Breaking Free: How to Heal Generational Trauma and Reclaim Your Life

You know that feeling when you catch yourself repeating the exact patterns you swore you’d never repeat? Maybe it’s how you handle conflict, or the way you talk to yourself, or even how you show up in relationships. You promised yourself you’d be different, yet here you are, acting out the same scripts your parents did, or their parents before them. That’s generational trauma, and it’s more common than you think. Dr Mariel Buqué’s “Break the Cycle” isn’t just another self-help book that tells you to think positive thoughts and hope for the best. It’s a practical, science-backed guide to understanding how trauma gets passed down through families and, more importantly, how to stop it in its tracks.

What Is Generational Trauma, Really?

Before we dive into the solutions, let’s get clear on what we’re dealing with. Generational trauma (also called intergenerational trauma) is the emotional and psychological wounds that get passed down from one generation to the next. It’s not just about remembering your grandmother’s stories about hardship. It’s about inheriting the survival mechanisms, stress responses, and coping strategies that helped your ancestors survive, but might be holding you back today. Think about it this way: if your grandfather lived through a famine, he might have developed an intense anxiety around food security. He passes that anxiety to your mum, who hoards food and panics when the pantry runs low. Then you grow up watching this behaviour, and suddenly you’re an adult who can’t throw away leftovers without feeling guilty, even though you’ve never missed a meal in your life. That’s generational trauma at work. Dr Buqué explains that this isn’t just psychological. There’s actual science showing that trauma can affect our genes through a process called epigenetics. Your grandmother’s traumatic experiences might have literally changed how certain genes express themselves, and those changes can be passed down to you. Wild, right?

The Ten Tips That’ll Change Everything

1. Acknowledge the Patterns (Stop Pretending Everything’s Fine)

The first step is the hardest because it requires brutal honesty. You need to look at your family history and identify the patterns that keep showing up. Not the surface-level stuff, but the deep, uncomfortable truths. How to do it: Grab a notebook and draw your family tree. Next to each person, write down what you know about their struggles. Did your grandmother struggle with anxiety? Did your father have anger issues? Did your aunt never feel good enough? Look for the threads that connect across generations. Real example: Sarah noticed that every woman in her family had stayed in unhappy marriages “for the children”. Her grandmother did it, her mum did it, and Sarah found herself making excuses for her partner’s behaviour even though she was miserable. Once she saw the pattern clearly, she could start making different choices. The key here is to write it all down. When it’s just in your head, it’s easy to dismiss or forget. On paper, the patterns become undeniable.

2. Grieve What Was Lost (Yes, You’re Allowed to Be Sad)

This might sound odd, but you need to grieve for what you didn’t receive. Maybe you didn’t get the emotionally available parent you needed. Maybe you grew up without feeling truly safe. Maybe your childhood was stolen by adult responsibilities. Dr Buqué emphasises that you can’t heal what you won’t acknowledge. And you can’t acknowledge it without allowing yourself to feel the grief. How to do it: Set aside time to sit with your feelings. This isn’t about wallowing; it’s about validation. Write a letter to your younger self acknowledging what you deserved but didn’t receive. Cry if you need to. Rage if you need to. Let it out. Real example: Marcus always prided himself on being tough and independent. His father had been absent, and Marcus had learned to handle everything alone. When he finally allowed himself to grieve the father-son relationship he never had, he cried for three days straight. But afterwards, he felt lighter. He could finally ask for help without feeling weak. Remember: grief isn’t linear. You might feel fine one day and devastated the next. That’s normal.

3. Practise Reparenting Yourself (Be the Parent You Needed)

Your inner child is still in there, waiting for someone to meet their needs. The good news? That someone can be you. Reparenting means giving yourself what you didn’t receive as a child. It means setting boundaries, showing yourself compassion, and creating the safety you always deserved. How to do it: When you notice yourself in distress, pause and ask: “What would a loving parent do right now?” Would they criticise you for making a mistake, or would they comfort you and help you learn? Would they push you beyond your limits, or would they encourage rest? Real example: Emma grew up with a mother who was hypercritical. Every mistake became a character flaw. As an adult, Emma’s inner voice was brutal. She started practising reparenting by talking to herself the way she’d talk to a frightened child. Instead of “You’re so stupid for forgetting that,” she’d say, “It’s okay, everyone forgets things sometimes. Let’s figure out a solution.” The shift wasn’t instant, but over time, Emma noticed her anxiety decreased and her self-confidence grew.

4. Set Boundaries (Even with Family)

Here’s where it gets uncomfortable. Breaking the cycle means setting boundaries with the very people who created the patterns in the first place. This doesn’t mean cutting everyone off (though sometimes that’s necessary), but it does mean protecting your peace. Dr Buqué is clear: you can love someone and still refuse to participate in dysfunction. How to do it: Identify which interactions leave you feeling drained, anxious, or triggered. Then decide what boundaries you need. Maybe you can’t handle Sunday dinners with the whole family but can manage coffee with your mum one-on-one. Maybe you need to limit phone calls to 20 minutes. Maybe certain topics are off-limits. Real example: James’s father constantly gave unsolicited advice that made James feel incompetent. James set a boundary: “Dad, I appreciate that you care, but I need you to trust that I can handle my own decisions. If I want advice, I’ll ask.” His father was offended at first, but eventually respected the boundary. Their relationship actually improved because the tension was gone. Remember: boundaries aren’t about punishing others. They’re about preserving your wellbeing.

5. Interrupt Your Autopilot Responses (Catch Yourself in the Act)

Your brain loves autopilot. It’s efficient. But when you’re on autopilot, you’re likely repeating the patterns you learned growing up, even the ones that don’t serve you. The goal is to create a pause between stimulus and response. In that pause, you can choose differently. How to do it: Start noticing your triggers. What situations make you react without thinking? When do you snap at your partner, shut down emotionally, or spiral into anxiety? Once you identify the triggers, you can create a plan for that pause. Real example: Whenever Daniel’s wife raised her voice, he’d immediately shut down and leave the room. He learned this from watching his father stonewall his mother during arguments. Daniel started practising a simple technique: when he felt the urge to leave, he’d count to ten and take three deep breaths. Then he’d say, “I need a moment to process this, but I’m not leaving the conversation. Give me five minutes.” This small pause transformed their conflicts from destructive to productive.

6. Build Your “Cycle-Breaker” Community (You Can’t Do This Alone)

Breaking generational patterns is hard work, and you need people who understand what you’re doing and why it matters. These are people who won’t pull you back into old dynamics or pressure you to “just get over it.” How to do it: Look for others on the same journey. This might be a therapist, a support group, or friends who are also working on their own healing. Be intentional about who you allow into your inner circle during this time. Real example: Priya joined an online community for adult children of narcissists. For the first time in her life, she didn’t have to explain why certain family interactions were damaging. Everyone just got it. Having that support made her feel less alone and gave her the courage to maintain her boundaries even when family members pushed back. Your community doesn’t need to be large. Even one person who truly understands can make all the difference.

7. Rewrite Your Narratives (Change the Story You Tell Yourself)

We all have stories we tell ourselves about who we are and why things happen. Many of these stories were written by trauma, not truth. “I’m not good enough.” “I always mess things up.” “I can’t trust anyone.” “I’m too much.” These narratives feel true because you’ve been repeating them for years. But they’re just stories, and stories can be rewritten. How to do it: Identify your core negative beliefs. Then challenge them. Where’s the evidence? Is this belief serving you? What would you tell a friend who believed this about themselves? Start practising new narratives that are both truthful and compassionate. Real example: Leila always believed she was “too sensitive” because her family told her that whenever she expressed emotions. She started rewriting that narrative: “I’m emotionally aware and empathetic, which are strengths, not weaknesses.” At first, it felt fake. But over time, she started noticing evidence that supported the new story, and the old one lost its power. The goal isn’t positive thinking. It’s accurate thinking.

8. Heal Your Relationship with Your Body (It’s Been Keeping the Score)

Trauma lives in your body, not just your mind. If you’re only doing cognitive work, you’re missing half the equation. Dr Buqué emphasises the importance of somatic healing—reconnecting with your body and releasing the trauma stored there. How to do it: Start with simple body awareness. Check in with yourself throughout the day. Where are you holding tension? What sensations do you notice? Try practices like yoga, dance, or even just stretching. The goal is to get out of your head and into your body. Real example: After years of therapy, Michelle still struggled with anxiety. Then she started practising somatic experiencing with a trauma-informed therapist. She learned that her body was constantly braced for danger, even when she was safe. Through gentle movement and breathwork, she began releasing the physical tension. Her anxiety decreased more in six months of somatic work than in six years of talk therapy. Your body isn’t the enemy. It’s been trying to protect you. Listen to it.

9. Create New Rituals and Traditions (Build What You Want to Pass Down)

If you’re going to break the cycle, you need to replace old patterns with new ones. This is where you get to be intentional about what you want to create for yourself and future generations. How to do it: Think about the values you want to embody and the memories you want to create. Then design rituals that reflect those values. Maybe it’s a weekly family dinner where everyone shares one thing they’re grateful for. Maybe it’s a bedtime routine where you tell your children they’re loved unconditionally. Maybe it’s a personal practice of journaling every morning. Real example: Growing up, Tom’s family never talked about feelings or celebrated achievements. As an adult with his own children, Tom created new traditions. Every evening at dinner, everyone shares their “high and low” of the day. When someone accomplishes something, the family celebrates it genuinely, no matter how small. Tom’s kids are learning that emotions are safe and achievements are worth acknowledging. You’re not just breaking old patterns. You’re building new ones.

10. Commit to the Long Game (This Isn’t a Quick Fix)

Here’s the truth nobody wants to hear: breaking generational trauma is a lifelong commitment. You’ll have setbacks. You’ll slip into old patterns. You’ll want to give up. But the work is worth it. Not just for you, but for everyone who comes after you. How to do it: Set realistic expectations. This isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress. Celebrate small wins. Keep a journal where you document the changes you’re making so you can see how far you’ve come. And be gentle with yourself when you stumble. Real example: After two years of intense healing work, Rachel had a major fight with her mother and found herself falling right back into old patterns of people-pleasing and self-abandonment. She was devastated. But instead of giving up, she used it as a learning experience. She identified what triggered the regression and created a plan for next time. Six months later, when a similar situation arose, she handled it differently. Progress isn’t linear. Some days you’ll take three steps forward and two steps back. That’s still one step forward.

The Science Behind Breaking the Cycle

Let’s talk about why this actually works. Dr Buqué grounds her approach in solid research, particularly around neuroplasticity and epigenetics. Neuroplasticity is your brain’s ability to form new neural pathways. Every time you interrupt an old pattern and choose a new response, you’re literally rewiring your brain. The old pathways don’t disappear entirely, but they get weaker from disuse while the new pathways get stronger. Think of it like a hiking trail. The more you walk a particular path, the more worn and obvious it becomes. If you stop using it and start taking a new route instead, eventually the old path gets overgrown whilst the new one becomes the clear choice. That’s what’s happening in your brain every time you practise these new patterns. As for epigenetics, whilst you can’t change the genes you inherited, you can change how those genes express themselves. Your environment, behaviours, and even your thoughts can switch genes on or off. This means that the traumatic imprints passed down to you aren’t permanent. You have more control than you think.

Common Obstacles (And How to Overcome Them)

Family pushback: When you start changing, your family system will resist. People are comfortable with the familiar, even when it’s dysfunctional. They might accuse you of being dramatic, ungrateful, or “too sensitive.” Your response: Stay firm. You don’t need their permission to heal. Keep your boundaries, limit your explanations, and trust yourself. Guilt: You’ll feel guilty for setting boundaries, for grieving, for wanting more than your parents had. That guilt is programmed into you as a control mechanism. Your response: Remind yourself that breaking the cycle honours your ancestors who survived so you could thrive. You’re not betraying anyone by healing. Loneliness: This work can be isolating. Your old social circle might not understand what you’re doing or why it matters. Your response: Find your people. Seek out others on the same journey. Quality over quantity. Self-doubt: You’ll question whether you’re making it all up, whether it’s really that bad, whether you should just be grateful for what you had. Your response: Trust your experience. If it hurt, it hurt. You don’t need to justify your healing.

What Healing Actually Looks Like

Let’s be clear about what healing doesn’t look like. It’s not about reaching some perfect state where you’re never triggered, never anxious, never sad. It’s not about becoming a completely different person or pretending your past didn’t happen. Healing looks like this: You recognise when you’re being triggered and can soothe yourself without spiralling. You can sit with discomfort without needing to escape it immediately. You set boundaries without drowning in guilt. You can see your parents as flawed humans rather than all-good or all-bad. You forgive yourself more quickly when you make mistakes. You trust your own perceptions and judgements. You can ask for help without feeling weak. It’s subtle. It’s not dramatic. But it’s profound.

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The Ripple Effect of Your Healing

Here’s what makes this work so powerful: when you break the cycle, you don’t just heal yourself. You heal backwards and forwards. Backwards, because even if your parents and grandparents are still alive, your healing can change the dynamic. Sometimes, seeing you set healthy boundaries and take care of yourself gives them permission to do the same. Sometimes, it doesn’t. But either way, you’re interrupting the pattern. Forwards, because any children you have (or influence) won’t inherit your trauma. They’ll grow up with a parent who’s done the work, who knows how to regulate emotions, who models healthy relationships, who creates safety. And sideways, because your friends, partners, and community benefit from your healing too. You become a model of what’s possible.

Practical Exercises to Start Today

Morning check-in: Before you even get out of bed, take three minutes to scan your body. Where are you holding tension? What emotions are present? Just notice without judgement. Boundary practice script: “I appreciate your concern, but I’ve got this handled.” Practise saying this out loud until it feels natural. Use it whenever someone oversteps. Trigger journal: Keep a small notebook where you jot down moments when you felt triggered. Note what happened, how you felt, and what you did. Over time, you’ll spot patterns and can create specific strategies. Compassion break: Set a timer for three times a day. When it goes off, place your hand on your heart and say, “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.” It sounds simple, but the cumulative effect is powerful. The “would I say this to a friend?” test: Whenever you notice harsh self-talk, ask yourself if you’d say that to someone you love. If not, rephrase it with compassion.

Why This Book Matters Now

We’re living through a collective moment where more people are waking up to the reality of generational trauma. The old advice of “just move on” or “forgive and forget” isn’t working because it doesn’t address the root causes. Dr Buqué’s work matters because it gives us a roadmap that’s both compassionate and practical. She doesn’t minimise the pain or pretend healing is easy. But she also doesn’t leave us stuck in victimhood. She shows us that we have agency, that change is possible, that the cycle can end with us.

The Choice Is Yours

Nobody can force you to do this work. Your family certainly won’t push you towards it—they’re invested in keeping things the same. Even well-meaning friends might not understand why you’re “dwelling on the past.” But here’s what I know: every day you don’t address these patterns, you live them out. Every interaction becomes another repetition of the same old story. Every relationship carries the weight of unhealed trauma. Or you can choose differently. You can be the one who says, “This ends here.” You can be the one who does the hard, messy work of healing. You can be the one who creates a new legacy. Your ancestors survived so you could get to this moment. Now it’s your turn to not just survive, but thrive.

Quiz: How Well Do You Know “Break the Cycle”?

Test your understanding of the key concepts from Mariel Buqué’s transformative work: 1. What is the scientific term for the process by which trauma can affect gene expression across generations? a) Neurogenesis b) Epigenetics c) Genetic mutation d) DNA replication 2. According to Dr Buqué, what is the first essential step in breaking generational trauma? a) Confronting family members b) Acknowledging the patterns c) Going to therapy d) Reading self-help books 3. What does “reparenting yourself” mean in the context of healing generational trauma? a) Having children of your own b) Reconciling with your parents c) Giving yourself what you didn’t receive as a child d) Acting like a parent to your siblings 4. Why does Dr Buqué emphasise the importance of grieving what was lost? a) Because grief is a sign of weakness b) Because you can’t heal what you won’t acknowledge c) Because it makes you feel better immediately d) Because your parents expect it 5. What is the purpose of creating a pause between stimulus and response? a) To ignore the problem b) To avoid conflict entirely c) To give yourself time to choose a different response d) To make the other person uncomfortable 6. What does “neuroplasticity” refer to? a) The brain’s ability to form new neural pathways b) The hardening of brain tissue with age c) The physical size of the brain d) The genetic inheritance of brain structure 7. According to the book, why is somatic (body-based) healing important? a) Because trauma only exists in the mind b) Because trauma lives in the body, not just the mind c) Because exercise cures all problems d) Because it’s easier than therapy 8. What should you do when family members resist your healing and boundary-setting? a) Give up and go back to old patterns b) Cut off all contact immediately c) Stay firm and trust yourself d) Argue until they understand 9. What is one sign that you’re genuinely healing, according to the concepts in the book? a) You never feel triggered anymore b) You become a completely different person c) You can recognise when you’re triggered and soothe yourself d) You forget your past entirely 10. Why does the book emphasise that breaking generational trauma is a “long game”? a) Because it requires lifelong commitment and isn’t a quick fix b) Because it takes exactly ten years c) Because you should give up if it’s hard d) Because progress happens instantly

Unlock More Wisdom on the Mind Set in Stone Podcast 🎙️

If you’re keen to dive even deeper into “Break the Cycle” by Dr Mariel Buqué and discover more practical ways to heal generational trauma and transform your life, tune into the Mind Set in Stone Podcast. We explore the principles of healing, growth, and breaking free from limiting patterns in a way that’s both insightful and real. Listen now on Spotify, Apple Music, and YouTube to start your journey towards genuine transformation.

Quiz Answers

b) Epigenetics – This is the process by which environmental factors and experiences can affect how genes are expressed without changing the DNA sequence itself.
b) Acknowledging the patterns – Before you can heal or change anything, you must first recognise and acknowledge the patterns that exist in your family system.
c) Giving yourself what you didn’t receive as a child – Reparenting means becoming the nurturing, supportive parent to yourself that you needed when you were younger.
b) Because you can’t heal what you won’t acknowledge – Grief validates your experience and allows you to process what was lost, which is essential for healing.
c) To give yourself time to choose a different response – The pause interrupts automatic reactions and creates space for conscious choice, allowing you to respond differently than your conditioning would dictate.
a) The brain’s ability to form new neural pathways – Neuroplasticity is the brain’s capacity to reorganise itself and form new connections, which is fundamental to changing ingrained patterns.
b) Because trauma lives in the body, not just the mind – Trauma is stored in the nervous system and body tissues, so healing requires addressing both physical and psychological aspects.
c) Stay firm and trust yourself – Family resistance is normal when you change the system. Maintaining your boundaries despite pushback is essential to your healing.
c) You can recognise when you’re triggered and soothe yourself – Healing isn’t about never being triggered; it’s about having the tools and awareness to manage your responses effectively.
a) Because it requires lifelong commitment and isn’t a quick fix – Breaking generational patterns is ongoing work with setbacks and progress. It’s about sustained effort over time, not a one-time solution.

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