Why Being Perfect Is Killing Your Dreams (And What to Do About It)
You know that feeling when you’re about to hit send on an email and you read it for the fifteenth time? Or when you have a brilliant idea in a meeting but keep quiet because it’s not fully formed? That’s perfectionism at work, and according to Reshma Saujani’s
Brave, Not Perfect, it’s costing us more than we realise.
Saujani, founder of Girls Who Code, wrote this book after noticing something peculiar: whilst boys would jump into coding challenges even when they barely knew what they were doing, girls would only raise their hands when they were absolutely certain they had the right answer. This observation sparked a deeper investigation into how we’re socialised differently and how it shapes our entire lives.
The Perfection Trap We Don’t Even Know We’re In
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: most of us have been trained to be perfect from a young age. We learned to colour inside the lines, earn gold stars for neat handwriting, and smile even when we didn’t feel like it. The problem? That training follows us into adulthood, where it becomes a prison.
Saujani argues that whilst boys are encouraged to be brave (climb higher, take risks, try again after failing), girls are rewarded for being perfect. We get praise for being good, staying quiet, and not making waves. The result? We grow up into women who are terrified of failure, constantly seeking approval, and playing it safe in every area of life.
But here’s what makes this truly insidious: perfectionism masquerades as a virtue. We think we’re being responsible, thorough, or professional when really we’re just paralysed by fear.
The Science Behind Why We Choose Perfect Over Brave
The book dives into fascinating research showing how early socialisation affects our risk-taking behaviour. Studies show that by age five, girls already demonstrate more caution than boys. By the time we’re adults, this manifests as:
- Applying for jobs only when we meet 100% of the criteria (men apply when they meet 60%)
- Avoiding negotiation for fear of seeming difficult
- Staying in relationships or jobs that don’t serve us
- Apologising excessively (even when we’ve done nothing wrong)
- Seeking permission instead of forgiveness
The neuroscience backs this up too. When we take risks and fail, our brains experience genuine pain. But when we play it safe, we get a hit of dopamine. We’re literally wired to avoid the discomfort of imperfection once we’ve been conditioned to crave approval.
What Bravery Actually Looks Like (Spoiler: It’s Not What You Think)
Saujani dismantles the Hollywood version of bravery. You don’t need to quit your job and backpack across Asia or start a revolution. Real bravery is often quiet and ordinary:
- Sending the first message on a dating app
- Asking for a pay rise
- Setting a boundary with a friend
- Trying a new hobby when you’ll inevitably be rubbish at first
- Speaking up when someone crosses a line
- Starting before you’re ready
The book shares story after story of women who made small brave choices that completely changed their trajectories. Like the woman who finally told her partner she wanted children, even though she feared it might end the relationship. (It didn’t. They’re married with two kids now.) Or the executive who stopped pretending to have all the answers in meetings and started saying “I don’t know, but let’s figure it out together.” Her team’s performance improved dramatically.
The Cost of Playing Perfect
This is where the book gets really uncomfortable. Saujani doesn’t pull punches about what perfectionism costs us:
Career-wise: We stay in roles we’ve outgrown because we’re good at them. We don’t negotiate. We don’t put ourselves forward. We watch less qualified men get promoted whilst we wait to be “ready.” One study found that women working in male-dominated fields who adopted more masculine (read: braver, less perfect) behaviours earned substantially more over their careers.
Relationship-wise: We contort ourselves to fit what we think others want. We avoid difficult conversations. We stay with partners who don’t deserve us because we’ve invested so much time being the “perfect” girlfriend. We sacrifice our needs to avoid conflict.
Health-wise: The stress of constant perfection-seeking manifests physically. Anxiety, insomnia, digestive issues, burnout. Your body pays the price when your mind won’t let you rest.
Happiness-wise: You can’t be truly happy when you’re always performing. When every interaction is calculated. When you’re terrified of being “found out” as somehow inadequate.
The Reframe That Changes Everything
The book’s most powerful insight is this: perfection is an unachievable standard that keeps us stuck. Bravery is a muscle we can build with practice.
Think about it. No one ever changed their life by playing it safe. No one ever wrote a novel, started a business, found love, or made a difference by waiting until they felt ready. Saujani shares her own story of running for Congress despite having zero political experience and losing spectacularly. That “failure” led her to start Girls Who Code, which has now taught programming to hundreds of thousands of girls.
She’s not suggesting we all need to fail publicly. But she is saying that the willingness to be imperfect, to try things we might not succeed at, to be seen as less than perfect, is what creates actual growth and fulfilment.
Breaking Free: The Practical Stuff
The second half of the book gets delightfully practical. Saujani provides a roadmap for rewiring our brains from perfect to brave. Here’s what that actually looks like:
Start Small
You don’t overhaul your entire personality overnight. You start with tiny acts of bravery. Order something new at your regular restaurant. Take a different route to work. Wear something slightly outside your comfort zone. These micro-risks train your brain that imperfection won’t kill you.
Name Your Fear
Most of our perfectionism is driven by nebulous anxiety. What are you actually afraid of? Being judged? Rejected? Looking stupid? Once you name it, you can challenge it. As Saujani points out, the stories we tell ourselves (“If I fail this presentation, I’ll be fired”) are almost never true.
Build a Brave Squad
You need people who celebrate your attempts, not just your successes. People who share their own failures. People who push you out of your comfort zone. The book emphasises that bravery is contagious and so is perfectionism. Choose your influences wisely.
Redefine Failure
What if failure wasn’t a verdict on your worth but just data? What if it was proof you tried something hard? Saujani shares how she started collecting rejections like trophies. Each one meant she’d put herself out there.
Practice Imperfection Deliberately
Do things badly on purpose. Send an email with a typo. Post a photo where you don’t look perfect. Raise your hand when you only have half an idea. The world doesn’t end. And each time, you prove to yourself that you can survive being imperfect.
The Uncomfortable Middle
One thing the book does brilliantly is acknowledge that becoming brave isn’t a smooth journey. There’s an awkward middle phase where you’re trying to change but your old patterns keep pulling you back. You’ll have days where you’re brave and days where you retreat into perfectionism. That’s normal.
Saujani shares her own struggles with this. Even after writing a book about bravery, she still catches herself people-pleasing or overthinking things. The difference is she now notices it and can course-correct.
The goal isn’t to never feel afraid or never care what people think. It’s to act despite the fear. To choose courage over comfort more often than not.
Where Perfectionism Actually Serves Us
The book isn’t suggesting we become reckless or careless. There are times when precision matters. If you’re a surgeon or an airline pilot, please continue being perfect.
But for most of us, in most situations, perfectionism is overkill. Your kids don’t need perfect homemade Halloween costumes; they need a parent who’s present and not stressed. Your presentation doesn’t need to be flawless; it needs to communicate your ideas clearly. Your home doesn’t need to look like a magazine spread; it needs to be liveable.
Saujani encourages us to figure out where excellence truly matters and where “good enough” is genuinely fine. This discernment is its own form of wisdom.
The Ripple Effect
Perhaps the most compelling argument in
Brave, Not Perfect is about impact. When you choose bravery, you give others permission to do the same. When you share your failures, you make it safe for others to be human. When you set boundaries, you show others they can too.
The book shares research showing that when one woman negotiates her salary successfully, other women in her network become more likely to negotiate too. When one woman runs for office, more women run. Bravery is genuinely contagious.
And the inverse is true. When we play small, we unconsciously signal to others (especially younger women watching us) that safety is more important than growth. That approval matters more than authenticity.
10 Practical Tips to Become Braver (Not Perfect)
Let’s get specific. Here are ten actionable strategies from the book, complete with real examples of how to implement them:
1. The 10-Second Rule
When you feel yourself hesitating to do something brave, count backwards from 10 and then do it before you reach zero. This short-circuits the part of your brain that talks you out of things.
Example: You’re in a meeting and have an idea but you’re not sure if it’s good enough. Start counting: 10, 9, 8… and speak up before you hit zero. Your idea doesn’t need to be perfect to be valuable.
Real application: Sarah, a marketing manager, used this technique to finally pitch her campaign idea to senior leadership. Was the pitch polished? No. Did they go with her concept? Yes. She realized that waiting for the “perfect moment” meant never speaking up at all.
2. Create a Failure Resume
Keep a running list of all your failures, rejections, and things that didn’t work out. Review it regularly. You’ll start to see that failure is just part of trying, not a reflection of your worth.
Example: Start a note on your phone titled “Things That Didn’t Kill Me.” Include: the job you didn’t get, the person who didn’t text back, the presentation that went badly, the recipe that was inedible. Add dates. Watch how these things lose their power over time.
Real application: Jenna, a writer, started tracking her rejection letters. After accumulating 47 of them, she got her first piece published. Now she looks at rejections as proof she’s putting work into the world, not proof she’s not good enough.
3. Do Something That Scares You Every Week
Not life-threatening scary. Just outside your comfort zone scary. Build the muscle of discomfort.
Example: Week 1: Speak up in a meeting. Week 2: Ask someone new to coffee. Week 3: Try a fitness class where you’ll be the worst one there. Week 4: Post something on social media without overthinking it.
Real application: Marcus (yes, men need this too) committed to one brave act weekly. He started small: ordering coffee in a language he was learning. Three months later, he’d asked for a promotion, signed up for improv classes, and told his best mate he’d hurt his feelings. The promotion came through, and the friendship got stronger.
4. Challenge Your Inner Critic
When that voice tells you you’re not ready/good enough/qualified enough, talk back to it. Ask for evidence.
Example: Inner critic: “You can’t apply for that job; you don’t have enough experience.” You: “What evidence do I have that I can’t do this? I’ve learned every role I’ve ever had. Experience comes from doing, not from waiting.”
Real application: Priya used this technique when she was hesitating to apply for a director role. She listed every time she’d been “unqualified” and succeeded anyway. She got the job. Her boss later told her that her willingness to be honest about what she didn’t know (instead of pretending to be perfect) is what sealed it.
5. Stop Apologising for Taking Up Space
Track how many times you say sorry in a day when you haven’t actually done anything wrong. Then actively work to reduce it.
Example: Instead of “Sorry to bother you,” try “Thanks for your time.” Instead of “Sorry, I have a question,” try “I have a question.” Instead of “Sorry for the late reply,” try “Thanks for your patience.”
Real application: Emma started using her phone’s counter app to track unnecessary apologies. Day one: 23 times. A month later: 3 times. She reports feeling more confident and noticed people taking her more seriously at work. Turns out, constantly apologizing signals uncertainty, not politeness.
6. Set Boundaries Without Explanation
You don’t need to justify your no with a paragraph of reasons. “I can’t make it” is a complete sentence.
Example: Friend: “Can you help me move house this weekend?” Old you: “Oh God, I’m so sorry, I really wish I could but I have this thing and also I’ve been so tired and maybe I could do Sunday afternoon but actually that might not work either and I feel terrible but…” New you: “I can’t this weekend, but I hope the move goes smoothly!”
Real application: Lisa implemented this with her mum, who expected her to attend every family gathering. The first few times were excruciating. Her mum was confused, then annoyed, then eventually adjusted. Lisa now sees her family when she genuinely wants to, not out of guilt. Their relationship is actually better.
7. Celebrate the Attempt, Not the Outcome
Rewire your brain to praise effort and courage rather than results.
Example: You went to a networking event even though you hate them? That’s a win, regardless of whether you got any business cards. You sent a difficult email? Victory, even if the response wasn’t what you hoped. You tried a new recipe that was mediocre? You still tried something new.
Real application: Tom started a jar where he put a pound coin every time he did something brave, regardless of outcome. Six months later, he’d saved £180 and realized he’d been braver than he thought. He used the money to book a solo trip to Portugal, something he’d wanted to do for years.
8. Build in Recovery Time
Bravery is exhausting. You can’t be “on” all the time. Schedule downtime where you don’t have to perform or achieve.
Example: After doing something outside your comfort zone, protect the next hour or evening for something restorative. Watch rubbish TV. Take a long bath. Go for a walk. Don’t immediately jump to the next challenge.
Real application: After giving her first public presentation, Nadia ignored the colleague drinks and went straight home to her sofa with takeaway. She used to think she needed to be “on” all the time. Now she knows that bravery requires recovery, just like physical exercise.
9. Find Your “Why”
Connect your brave actions to a larger purpose. It’s easier to push through fear when you know why it matters.
Example: You’re not just asking for a pay rise; you’re modelling for your daughter that women can advocate for themselves. You’re not just starting a side business; you’re creating the financial freedom to make choices. You’re not just ending a relationship; you’re honouring your own needs.
Real application: When Zoe was terrified to leave her corporate job to start her consultancy, she wrote down her why: “I want to show my kids that you can build something of your own. I want autonomy over my time. I want to prove to myself I can do hard things.” She taped it to her bathroom mirror. Two years later, her business is thriving.
10. Surround Yourself with Brave People
You become like the five people you spend the most time with. Make sure they’re choosing growth over comfort.
Example: Audit your social circle. Who encourages you to play bigger? Who celebrates your risks? Who shares their own failures? Spend more time with those people. Limit time with those who make you feel bad for not being perfect.
Real application: Rachel started a monthly “brave dinner” with three friends where they each shared one brave thing they’d done and one thing they’d failed at. The vulnerability created deeper friendships and gave them all permission to try things. One friend launched a podcast, another went back to university, and Rachel finally had the difficult conversation with her sister that improved their relationship.
The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For
If there’s one message woven throughout
Brave, Not Perfect, it’s this: you don’t need permission to take up space, to try things, to fail, to be imperfect. But since we’ve been conditioned to seek permission, consider this it.
You have permission to be a work in progress. To not have it all figured out. To change your mind. To make mistakes. To disappoint people. To prioritise yourself. To be ambitious. To be average at things. To quit something that’s not working. To try again.
The book demolishes the idea that there’s a “right time” or that you need to feel ready. You’ll never feel ready. Action creates confidence, not the other way around.
What Happens When We Choose Brave
The final chapters of the book paint a vision of what becomes possible when we collectively choose bravery over perfectionism. Women who negotiate. Women who run for office. Women who start companies. Women who leave bad relationships. Women who speak up about injustice. Women who take up space without apologising.
And critically, women who support other women in doing the same. Because the real revolution isn’t individual; it’s collective. When we stop competing for crumbs and start expanding what’s possible for all of us.
Saujani shares story after story of women who made one brave choice that cascaded into others. The woman who quit her prestigious but soul-crushing job and now runs a non-profit she loves. The woman who told her partner she wasn’t happy and they went to therapy instead of divorcing. The woman who started posting her art online despite thinking it wasn’t good enough and now sells pieces internationally.
These aren’t exceptional women. They’re ordinary people who got tired of playing small.
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The Long Game
One criticism of the book worth noting: becoming brave is positioned as individual work, but many of the forces keeping us “perfect” are structural. Workplaces that punish any mistake. Economic systems that make risk genuinely dangerous. Cultural expectations that haven’t caught up with reality.
Saujani acknowledges this but argues that whilst we work to change systems, we also need to change ourselves. We can’t wait for the world to give us permission to be brave. And in fact, our individual brave choices collectively shift culture.
It’s both/and, not either/or.
Making It Stick
The book ends with strategies for maintaining momentum. Because reading about bravery is easy; living it is hard. Some key practices:
Daily brave practice: Do one small brave thing every single day. It builds momentum.
Brave buddy system: Partner with someone working on the same shift. Text each other your brave wins.
Regular reflection: Weekly check-in with yourself. Where were you brave? Where did you play safe? No judgement, just noticing.
Adjust your metrics: Stop measuring success by perfection. Measure it by growth, by trying, by resilience.
Remember your past brave self: When you’re scared, remember other times you were scared and did it anyway. You have evidence you can do hard things.
The Invitation
Brave, Not Perfect isn’t just a book; it’s an invitation to live differently. To stop performing and start existing. To value courage over compliance. To build a life that’s messy and real rather than polished and hollow.
The question Saujani leaves us with is simple but profound: What would you do if you weren’t afraid of being imperfect?
Think about it. Really think about it.
Would you leave that relationship? Start that business? Have that conversation? Apply for that role? Post that thing? Say no to that person? Say yes to that opportunity?
Now here’s the uncomfortable bit: what’s stopping you isn’t capability. It’s the fear of being less than perfect. And that fear is learned, which means it can be unlearned.
You don’t need to be fearless. You just need to be brave more often than you’re perfect.
Why This Book Matters Now
We’re living through times that require bravery, not perfection. Climate crisis, political upheaval, technological disruption, a global pandemic’s lingering effects. The old playbook of playing it safe, following the rules, and waiting to be picked isn’t working.
The world needs people willing to try things that might not work. To speak uncomfortable truths. To challenge systems that aren’t serving us. To build something new instead of perfecting what’s broken.
And on a personal level, life’s too short to spend it performing. You get one life. Do you really want to spend it trying to be perfect for an audience that isn’t even paying that much attention?
Your Next Steps
If you’re feeling that pull to live more bravely, here’s what to do:
- Finish reading this, then identify one area where perfectionism is holding you back
- Choose the smallest possible brave action you could take in that area
- Do it within 24 hours, before your brain talks you out of it
- Notice you survived
- Do it again
It really is that simple. Not easy, but simple.
Start before you’re ready. Begin before it’s perfect. Try before you’re sure.
Because on the other side of perfect is the life you actually want to live.
Test Your Bravery: How Brave Are You Really?
Take this quiz to assess where you fall on the brave-to-perfect spectrum. Be honest. No one’s grading you.
1. You have an idea in a meeting but you’re not 100% sure it’ll work. You:
a) Share it anyway and see what people think
b) Wait to see if someone else says something similar
c) Stay quiet and email your boss about it later
d) Never mention it because it might be stupid
2. You’re offered a promotion that would challenge you significantly. Your first thought is:
a) “This is exciting, I’ll figure it out”
b) “Let me think about whether I’m qualified”
c) “I need to develop more skills first”
d) “They’ve made a mistake, I’m not ready”
3. You’re at a networking event and don’t know anyone. You:
a) Walk up to a group and introduce yourself
b) Find someone else who looks alone and chat to them
c) Get a drink and scroll your phone until someone approaches you
d) Leave early because it’s too uncomfortable
4. You post something on social media and get negative comments. You:
a) Respond thoughtfully or ignore it and move on
b) Feel bad but leave the post up
c) Delete the post immediately
d) Avoid posting anything personal ever again
5. Your friend asks you to do something you don’t want to do. You:
a) Say no without over-explaining
b) Say no but provide lots of reasons why
c) Make up an excuse instead of being honest
d) Say yes even though you don’t want to
6. You’re interested in someone romantically. You:
a) Ask them out or make your interest clear
b) Drop hints and hope they make the first move
c) Tell a mutual friend and hope it gets back to them
d) Do nothing and wait for them to approach you
7. You receive constructive criticism at work. You:
a) Thank them and use it to improve
b) Feel defensive but eventually see their point
c) Ruminate on it for days and feel terrible
d) Assume they hate you and you’re going to be fired
8. You want to learn a new skill but you’d be rubbish at first. You:
a) Sign up for a class and embrace being a beginner
b) Practice at home until you’re decent, then take a class
c) Watch tutorials for months without actually trying
d) Decide you’re probably too old/untalented to learn it
9. Someone at work takes credit for your idea. You:
a) Address it directly with them or your manager
b) Feel annoyed but mention it casually later
c) Complain to colleagues but not to the person
d) Say nothing and feel resentful
10. You’ve been wanting to make a change in your life for ages. You:
a) Make a plan and start this week
b) Do more research until you feel fully prepared
c) Wait for the “right time” (new year, Monday, etc.)
d) Talk about it but never actually start
Unlock More Secrets on Mind Set in Stone Podcast 🎙️
Want to dive even deeper into
Brave, Not Perfect by Reshma Saujani and discover practical ways to stop chasing perfection and start living courageously? Tune into the
Mind Set in Stone Podcast!
We explore the principles of bravery, growth, and authentic living in a way that’s both insightful and entertaining. Whether you’re commuting, cooking dinner, or going for a run, we’ll give you actionable strategies to choose courage over comfort.
Listen now on Spotify, Apple Music, and YouTube to start your journey towards becoming brave, not perfect. Your future self (the one who took the risk) will thank you.
Quiz Answers
Mostly A’s: The Brave One
You’re already living pretty bravely. You understand that growth requires discomfort and you’re willing to put yourself out there. Keep going, and remember to support others in being brave too. Your example matters.
Mostly B’s: The Waverer
You’re in that middle zone. You want to be brave but perfectionism still has a hold on you. You’re on the right track; you just need to push through the discomfort more consistently. Small brave actions will build your confidence.
Mostly C’s: The Perfectionist
You’re firmly in perfectionist territory. The fear of getting it wrong, looking stupid, or not being ready is running your life. The good news? You’re aware of it, which is the first step. Start with tiny brave acts and build from there.
Mostly D’s: The Paralysed
Perfectionism has you properly stuck. You’re so afraid of being imperfect that you’re not living at all. Please know that this is learned behaviour and it can be unlearned. Consider working with a therapist alongside implementing the strategies in this article. You deserve to take up space.
Remember: This quiz isn’t about judgement. It’s about awareness. Wherever you are right now is fine. The question is: where do you want to be?
